For decades, sales culture has taught one unshakable belief: “People buy from people they like.” It’s catchy. It’s simple. And it feels intuitive. But in today’s buying environment — especially for women in sales — this advice isn’t just outdated. It can actually be harmful to your cause.
Buyers don’t invest because they like you.
They invest because they trust you.
They invest because you understand what’s at stake.
They invest because you help them make a clear, confident decision.
When buyers had limited access to information, salespeople were the information. In that world, likeability mattered more. If a buyer was choosing between two people selling the same product, the more likeable rep often won.
But the world changed.
Buyers now enter the conversation with more data, more options, more skepticism, and more internal pressure to make the right call.
And when everything is on the line, “likeability” is no longer a competitive advantage — competence is.
Why This Advice Especially Hurts Women in Sales
When women hear “people buy from people they like,” the interpretation is often different. It becomes internalized as “be agreeable” “be pleasant” “avoid conflict.” The implication is to stay “nice” even when the conversation gets technical or uncomfortable. In other words, it encourages people-pleasing, not powerful selling.
As a result, many women report holding back on asking tough questions, avoiding pushing for clarity, and overlooking decision-making gaps. They are less likely to challenge flawed assumptions, and may overextend themselves to maintain the relationship. This creates a dynamic where the buyer may like you, but they don’t necessarily trust your leadership in the buying process. And trust is what closes deals.
The New Reality: Buyers Don’t Need Another Friend — They Need a Guide
Friendliness isn’t a strategy. Likability isn’t a value proposition. And rapport doesn’t come from charm — it comes from credibility. The buyer’s core question is no longer “Do I like this person?” It’s “Can this person help me make the right decision?” To answer that question, sales professionals need a different approach to rapport. One that’s rooted in value, professionalism, and guidance — not performance.
1. Build Credibility Before Chemistry
In modern selling, rapport is the result of credibility — not the prerequisite. Buyers trust you when they feel you understand their unique industry challenges and their decision dynamics. This means the best rapport-building tool isn’t friendliness — it’s insight. To build this credibility early, you must:
• Ask thoughtful, strategic questions that show you’ve done your homework
• Reference relevant trends or data
• Share an informed POV about challenges you’ve seen across similar companies
• Demonstrate genuine curiosity instead of offering rehearsed empathy
When buyers walk away thinking, “She really gets what we’re up against,” you’ve established the kind of connection that matters most.
2. Create Psychological Safety, Not Forced Familiarity
Have you heard of the fish on the wall theory? The idea is that when you go into someone’s office and see they have a fish mounted on the wall, you compliment it and ask the story of the day they caught it. After that, you have magically established the rapport you need to make your sale! Maybe that works on the surface, but it certainly isn’t moving your sale forward.
Instead of finding surface commonality with your prospect, sales professionals should focus on building psychological safety. That means creating a space where buyers feel comfortable being honest — about their concerns, their budget issues, their internal politics, and their fears about making a wrong decision. Here are some proven ways to create psychological safety:
• Set clear expectations for the conversation
• Be transparent about the sales process
• Acknowledge their concerns rather than trying to minimize them
• Don’t get defensive at objections
3. Be Consistently Reliable, Not Excessively Agreeable
Being agreeable is easy. Being reliable is rare. Reliability is one of the most under-leveraged rapport builders in sales. It shows professionalism, maturity, and integrity — traits that make buyers feel confident in moving forward. Here are some ways to demonstrate your reliability:
• Do what you said you were going to do (I could honestly stop this list here, but I’ll go on…)
• Follow up on time
• Hold clear boundaries around pricing and scope
• Offer direct, respectful guidance — even when it contradicts what the buyer wants to hear
Be steady and consistent throughout the process. Reliability fosters respect. Respect fosters trust. And trust fosters deals. When reliability becomes your brand, rapport becomes the natural outcome.
Conclusion: Likability Is Optional. Trust Is Essential.
Rapport still matters — deeply. But the source of rapport has changed. Today, buyers connect with sales professionals who demonstrate expertise, create safety, tell the truth, show up consistently, and lead the purchasing process.
If you want to elevate your sales performance — and protect your energy — let go of the pressure to be liked. Focus instead on being: credible, insightful, reliable and professional.
Because in modern selling, people don’t buy from people they like.
They buy from people they trust.
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Are you a sales professional looking for support in your quest to reach the next level of your career? Connect with Rebecca Kilday on LinkedIn or Instagram for information on all things “sales,” including practical advice from seasoned professionals, hard lessons learned, and what it truly means to Sell INSPIRED.
